Little mr 7 is not well - fever...sore throat...he started having a croaky voice about two days ago, and of course I tell him to stay in doors...but goodness knows if he's listening to me or not while I'm in class...and he's had rugby league training which he refuses to miss...so last night, when I had finished clearing up after diner, I wasn't in the mood to hang out with the kids, so went straight to bed, mr 7 wanted to sleep with me, which was ok, I needed a childs unconditional love - and he's my baby :) Anyway, he pretty much fell asleep straight away, which was good cos he LOVES to talk non-stop and I wasn't really in the mood to talk to anyone.

I woke up at around 10pm, that's when I came and blogged my heart out about how crap my day was :( I stayed up for about an hour then went back to bed.

I didn't get my wish, my defacto partner (lmao) was home early'ish' (4am), I played 'dead' but mr 7 woke up and asked his dad for a drink of water, then he put his arm around me and he was HOT - so up I got, some pamol and a cool drink of water...I put him in between me and my defacto partner...thank god, cos I still had that disgusted/repulsed feeling - I don't even want him touching me.

Mr 7 was up early, jumped out of bed, and D.Partner 'snuggled' upto me Ewwww!! Mr 7 to the rescue again, he wanted breakfast (which he usually just fixed himself) so I was more than happy to jump up and get that for him, I'm just going to stay up now, I would love to have a little more sleep - didn't sleep well last night and I really tired myself out when I went mental (when I say I went mental, I wasn't yelling and screaming - it was more curled up in bed just non-stop crying, so much crap going through my head - unable to make sense of anything and everything...complete confusion - so much to process...mentally draining....*sigh* So lonely...numb - every emotion you can think of at once...

Yeah well anyway, here I am. Gonna go and have a shower. Freshen up, put on some nice clothes, a bit of make-up, try and feel nice about myself...I dress nice all week, but I don't wear any make-up at all...not even a lipgloss! I feel I don't need to, but mostly cos I can't be bothered, but you know what - maybe I should BE BOTHERED!! At least a bit of lippy n mascara. Yep - but umm...my eye lids are a bit puffy from crying that I'll give the mascara today lol.

Oh and also, I've decided to give up SMOKING!! Yep - I'm gonna try. I do 'love smoking, enjoy every puff...but for some reason I just want to stop now. So my last smoke was at about 6pm yesterday. Let's see how long I can go without...

Thanks Janene!! For the compliments about the clothes and also for letting me know it's normal to feel 'ewwww out' about my Defacto partner (lol - don't even want to call him my hubby LMAO) This is just a rough patch...but I am in no rush to want to be in love with him...I'm more than happy to focus on my kids and design/sewing...as for sex, I'm more than happy and able to go without that for the next 20 years of my life - believe me!!

Anywhoo...got a call from the doc's that I need to go in and discuss my blood test results...had my bloods done just over a week ago, I did go in to see him BUT the waiting room was FULL - as usual, but I just couldn't be bothered facing it all, apparently Sunday mornings aren't crazy hectic (prolly cos all the islanders are at church lol) so I'll go just before 8am on Sunday morning and hope I'm one of the first on his list - they don't do appointments, but I guess the long waits is the price we pay for a discounted doc...costs me $10 to see him - free for the kids under 12yrs. Most medications are $3 a pop and I don't even qualify for a community services card - so pretty damn good compared to other docs...mind you, I feel that you have to be really pro-active and ask a million and one questions when you do see the doc, cos they just seem to pump their patients out really quickly, antibiotics and pamol...lol. Not me, I like to take my time, talk slowly and write a list before I go with everything that is wrong with whoever I'm taking with me.

Anyway, so that's me, first thing Sunday morning - see the doc.

Today, mr 7 is not well, so I'm going to drop mr 12, miss 9 & 15 at the mall to see a movie, they can walk back (about 15 min walk from Manukau Westfield and Rainbows End) I'll take mr 7 to my favourite 'asian' store (hope I didn't offend anyone lol) buy him a couple of books, miss 9 loves the sodoku puzzles, she's nearly finished the first one I bought her over a week ago, so might get her another one, mr 7 loves wordfinds. Will take dad with us, he goes back on Tuesday morning.