Got home, and everything turned to shit with hubby...we don't usually argue...in fact I thought we were on a 'perfect roll'...well apparently I was wrong. Hubby is totally insecure as I found out today - about something so insignificant that happened when we went out on Saturday night - but obviously he sees things totally different - I ended up having a damn good cry about it all...felt like I was gonna go mental - haven't felt like this in YEARS!! Thought it was just part of my FAT girl syndrome but no...feels just as real now...so hard to explain but it's seriously bad - if I wasn't such a strong person i would have lost the will to live by now *sigh*
Anyway, I know I'm not making much sense, but it's all good now...just focusing lots of MY goals - and not on some fark-wit insecure ass-hole *I'm so not in love at the moment* but I'm not going to let his insecurities (whether he cares to admit them or not!) get me down like this again - it's is NOT a nice place to be...so dark...empty...numb... I know for damn sure that I do NOT want to go on holiday with hubby. I was looking forward to our trip - first REAL holiday away since having babies *sigh* I was sooo in love...really wanted to be with him...but now - with his insecurities, I don't even feel in love now - how is it that while I am feeling sooo in love - he's got other ideas brewing in his mind? PATHETIC! That's what it is - he's totally put out any flame that I had burning for him in my heart - that's honestly how I feel - I just can't be bothered with this shit - I feel deceived even - that I was so in love - and yet he turns around and says that after Saturday I was "acting all lovely dovey cos I must have been feeling guilty..." OMG - could I not have been acting lovely dovey cos believe it or not I do actually love him? That I thought we had a damn good night out, hello we had sex 2 times when we got home - so he couldn't have been too upset about what I 'did'....which, by the way was insist that a certain guy drive our car home for us...with us in it of course - he was the only person who was sober - so excuse me for wanting to get home safely...I had two bottles of wine and I knew I was wasted...there wasn't anyone else sober I could see who could drive us, but yeah ok, maybe if this guy had one leg, one eye, he wouldn't be so jealous?? The guy didn't drive us home, he had his own car to drive, and hubby insisted that he drive - he usually gets really drunk when we go out, and there was a huge group of us that night, I didn't really hang out in hubby's corner, so I didn't know that he didn't drink as much as he usually does and was capable of driving...all I knew was that I was wasted, hubby usually gets wasted and so wanted someone else to drive the car home...but yeah, forgive me please for wanting to be safe...*rolls eys*
So yeah, my asking this other person must have lasted all of 2-3 minutes...other than that I had an awesome night! I thought we both did...so I was really happy about everything, but no - my lovely dovey attitude towards how happy I was about life in general, relationship etc was interpreted as me feeling guilty for wanting this guy to drive us home. again I say PATHETIC.
Honestly - reading all this back and thinking about how ridiculous it all is I don't know if i want to laugh or cry - seriously. I could go either way. LMAOooooOoo Ooops...laugh it is! All I know is that's it...all the tears and frustration I felt this afternoon is over and done with - I needed to feel all that so I could try and process everything...and I think it has been processed now...just a sad outcome. Like I said, I feel like the flame I had for hubby has been totally put out - not the first time I have felt like this and I tell ya what - took me a damn long time to ignite the flame again - but I did - so who knows, the flame could be ignited again one day - but it sure as hell won't be anytime soon. I have to find the desire to light the flame first - that's half the struggle - cos I can't be bothered with this shit - got enough crap to deal with without this bull shite.
Well can't even be bothered reading over what I've written, maybe I have written too much? Maybe I haven't made sense - it just all flowed out through my fingers, excuse me if I don't make much sense - it's needed to come out. He's at work right now, thank god, I hope it's a long night for him, cos I can't stand the thought of him in bed with me right now...tomorrow is my day off from class and the last day of the school holidays, so I'll take the kids and keep busy with them...is it normal to feel disgust(!!) when I think of hubby?? *shakes this feeling off!!* I'm blabbering...don't give a shite that I am either...god I'll prolly regret that I have written so much...but it feels good to let it all out - so who cares!!
So anyway, here is what I have been upto in class...
This is the infamous jacket I've been talking about - still need to find the right buttons.
This is another one of the dress/tops...bat wing blah blah blah lol
This is a GORGEOUS cardy I designed and made today in class...so much work involved int he ruffle - but sooo worth it, it's lovely to wear - soft, feminine...I love it.
This is gorgeous too - I'm going to wear this on Sunday to a baby shower - *promote my goodies lol* The sleeves are similar to the jacket - small puff with fitted super wide 3/4 length sleeve cuff.
Yeah - so I'm really happy with the stuff I've been making :) (just wish I knew how to post the pics here properly with a caption beside the right pic!!
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